This was one of my prayers to God. I was really doubting who He is. Sometimes I still think this way, but for the most part all of this doubt is out of my system.
Dear God,
You know, I feel really weird writing down my prayers. I know that you already know what I am going to say. Sadly, it’s probably not what you want to hear. I have learned in Sunday school that I should not doubt you and I should put you above everything in my life. I have learned all the stories in the Bible and studied them either in school, at church, or at home during family studies. I just am going to say it. I am not sure if I really believe you exist. There. I said it. I have been raised up in a Christian home all my life. Half of my life and still today, I am know as a Pastor’s Kid. I feel like you and everything else in my life has been shoved down my throat. And currently, I can not breathe. I know that you love me, I know that you care about me, I know that you are with me, I know you will never leave me, I know you want me to go to heaven and spend eternity with you. I know… but that does not mean that I believe it. You say you are there, but I never see you. You say you care, but when I’m lonely I can’t feel you. You say you love me, but the world torments me day and night. You say that you test your children, what kind of parent does that?! You say you have been there for all eternity, but everything needs a beginning. You say you are there for everyone; no one can be at two places at once. I just don’t get you.
You know, I feel really weird writing down my prayers. I know that you already know what I am going to say. Sadly, it’s probably not what you want to hear. I have learned in Sunday school that I should not doubt you and I should put you above everything in my life. I have learned all the stories in the Bible and studied them either in school, at church, or at home during family studies. I just am going to say it. I am not sure if I really believe you exist. There. I said it. I have been raised up in a Christian home all my life. Half of my life and still today, I am know as a Pastor’s Kid. I feel like you and everything else in my life has been shoved down my throat. And currently, I can not breathe. I know that you love me, I know that you care about me, I know that you are with me, I know you will never leave me, I know you want me to go to heaven and spend eternity with you. I know… but that does not mean that I believe it. You say you are there, but I never see you. You say you care, but when I’m lonely I can’t feel you. You say you love me, but the world torments me day and night. You say that you test your children, what kind of parent does that?! You say you have been there for all eternity, but everything needs a beginning. You say you are there for everyone; no one can be at two places at once. I just don’t get you.
All my life, everyone has always thought of me as the “Perfect Pastors Daughter”. Ha! What a life. Everyone expected perfection out of me. Some Christians they are. Everyone thinks I have the perfect family. Not true. How could you make such controlling people??? I don't understand.
If you loved us so much, why would you make us suffer like this? How could you let cute little kids starve in third world countries? How could you let cancer spread through one’s body? How could you let an innocent child grow up in a broken home? How could you let fathers and brothers die in war? Why would you let a normal girl get traumatized by rape? How can you let a baby be abandoned by its parents? I can feel the love!
I see other's joy. But it seems so outer and fake with most "Christians". They praise you for the good and bad. How could you like bad things? It just doesn't seem human. I just don't get it.
~Michelle
Dear "Michelle,"
ReplyDeleteI took the liberty of adding line breaks. If you don't like them, you can just go into the edit view and remove them. Or you can add another wherever you want it in the beginning. I just hit "enter" twice wherever you said you wanted a line break.
Thanks!
Mrs. H.